What has been lost
by UndeadFae
Summary: With Gouenji back in the team, Fubuki knows there is no place left for him in the Raimon, knows it's time for him to leave. Too bad Endou doesn't give up on a friend so easily.


"Gouenji is back!"

The fog clouding his broken mind cleared just enough to hear those words, to force dull eyes to look at the team he let down, to see the grim atmosphere vanish so easily with that presence alone. So this was the famous Gouenji Shuuya?

He could easily see why Someoka thought he could never replace Gouenji.

Gouenji had surpassed the Epsilon's iron defenses with a single shoot. Brought the Raimon to the victory they so desperately needed with another.

Gouenji was- is Raimon's ace striker.

Fubuki really wasn't needed anymore.

They were celebrating the return of their friend and best player, their hard earned victory- and rightfully so. They had all the right to celebrate, they didn't need to worry about an obstacle like him.

No one noticed how he quietly slipped away, how he just as quietly came back when their usual training started, how he sat alone in the further and coldest corner of the field, drowning in his failure.

It was painfully easy to fake a smile while everyone surrounded him, while his friends tried to help. They didn't realize there was nothing they could do to help him.

Maybe it was time to go back to Hokkaido before he could burden them even more than he already did. After all, what use had a player that couldn't even touch the ball, a defender that couldn't take the ball, a forward that couldn't score?

It would be for the best if he just left now, he grimly thought. It wasn't like anyone would notice his absence when there was nothing to miss.

That night, he didn't have to force himself to stay awake and wait for everyone to fall asleep. His own thoughts spiraling further and further were enough to do the trick. When he was sure nobody was awake, he quietly stood up, soundlessly picking his bag and heading for the caravan's door, the Raimon uniform carefully laid out on his former seat.

In his haze, Fubuki didn't notice how the captain and ace striker's seats were empty.

Their conversation had died down quickly, yet neither Endou nor Gouenji could care any less. Laying on the caravan's roof and stargazing in the peace of the night was enough, the quiet lullabies of the nature and stars slowly letting their eyes shut, letting their sore bodies rest after a day so exhausting in so many ways.

The silent spell was broken by the soft sound of muffled footsteps, a clear attempt of someone trying to sneak around. Sleep forgotten, the two were now completely alert, wary and ready to react at the slightest hint of danger. Then, they noticed a familiar scarf and fluffy light hair, quiet steps slowly taking him further and further away from the caravan. From the soccer he loved. From his friends.

"Fubuki!" Endou tried to keep his voice low enough to not wake up everyone else. Fubuki stiffened and stopped as soon as he heard his name, turning just enough to allow them to see his tense expression, eyes wide in horror like a deer caught in the headlights. If he had tried to move, to run as soon as his team- former teammates got off the roof to approach him, it didn't work, he was completely frozen, mind sent into blind panic.

"Fubuki..." Endou slowly repeated his name, the worried edge in his voice only growing, and all Fubuki could do was shut his eyes as tightly as possible and turn away from him. "What are you doing...?"

The night was warm, and yet he was shaking like he was standing in the middle of a raging blizzard. He knew his lost mind felt like it was.

Fubuki tried to force his mouth open, to talk and make them understand that he couldn't stay, that there was no place for him there, that they didn't need such a burden when they tried so hard to become stronger. Only a small, choked sob came out.

"Hey, Fubuki-"

"S-shut up." There was a sharp turn and a pair of cold eyes staring back at him. The first thing Endou noticed was how they lacked their fierceness, their wild edge that made opponents and sometimes even allies cower, the almost scary confidence that convinced his friends to keep going. Endou hadn't realized how broken and lost the two of them were until now.

He wasn't sure if he could help to fix this- if it could even be fixed.

"Atsuya." Any other protest quickly died in his throat, taken aback by the sudden change of name. He almost forgot they knew. "You don't-"

"Shut up! You don't get it! I was useless, Shirou was useless, we couldn't do anything! It doesn't matter how much we train and try to become stronger, it's never enough!" His anger, his hatred, his guilt, everything he tried to hide from the world spilled out, emotions so raw and strong they threatened to drown him. "We- w-we were never good enough to be the team's ace striker, so why bother with us? Your real ace striker is back, you don't need us!" By the end of it, his chest was heavy, lungs burning like he just ran for hours.

"No one needs a player so useless he can't even touch the ball without breaking himself... Our existence is useless." His voice sounded so weak, so broken and resigned, it hurt to listen. Endou wasn't sure if this was Atsuya or Shirou anymore.

"That's not true!" He flinched, forcefully dragged out of the darkness creeping on his mind by the pair of hands that took his shoulders with a bit more strength than necessary. Endou was staring into his eyes, as if trying to reach his very soul, to pull him out of the cold and show him the light, hardened determination shining in those eyes that held the raw power of the earth itself.

It wasn't enough to tell him that his presence was really needed, that he wasn't really a burden for them, but he wanted to dare and hope, to reach out for that warm light he didn't deserve.

"Don't ever say that again- don't say that you're useless or that no one needs you." Seeing him struggle to object, Endou kept talking to cut him off. He didn't want to hear his friend poisoning himself anymore. "So what if you couldn't score or take the ball? You just have to try again and again until you do it! We _can_ be stronger together! Just look at us- the Raimon wouldn't have become this strong or defeated all those Aliea's teams if you didn't help us." There was a small gasp, his eyes widening. He... couldn't deny that, not when he himself had seen how far they went with his help and special training, how they needed his blizzard to win. But that was all in the past, wasn't it?

"I'm sorry... I should've seen this sooner..." Confusion flashed through his eyes, quickly obfuscated by that subtle, always present sadness. Endou never quite realized it before now, how there was always a glint of sadness, of grief in Fubuki's eyes, of a part of his soul that died long ago. "You were suffering alone, weren't you? Atsuya too- both of you..."

"You aren't alone, no matter what you may think." Both of them almost forgot Gouenji -the real Raimon's ace striker, a traitor voice that wasn't Atsuya's whispered- was there, standing back just enough to give them space while his presence wasn't required. Seeing how painfully fragile and lost Fubuki looked, he decided it was the right time to support his captain in this and lend a helping hand. "We aren't a team just when we step on the field, and you don't have to put all the burden on your shoulders alone. Don't think that just for failing everyone will give up on you- trust me, I learned that the hard way."

Endou grinned, a smile so bright it could light up the night.

"Yup! We're your friends, so you can count on us! If you or Atsuya need anything we'll always be here to help, that's what friends are for, right?"

Fubuki Atsuya was quiet. Fubuki Shirou stared back, and the ice in his eyes, in his heart, cracked a little.

"Don't ever think there is no place for you here- it doesn't matter where you are or for how long you leave, there will always be a home for you here." Gouenji's words where the last push he needed. He didn't realize he was crying until his vision was blurry and his eyes were burning.

Fubuki had learned over the years to hide many things behind a polite smile and a few deceiving words, to keep everyone from worrying or thinking he was about to break. It used to be so easy to shield himself from the world, to let Atsuya scare everyone away and to throw them off with his ever gentle smile.

It used to be the same with the Raimon, until he realized they were some of the closest friends he's ever had.

There was a comforting arm gently draped over his shoulder, Endou offering him one of the warmest smiles he's ever seen. Neither of them were judging or angry at him, and that alone was reassuring enough.

When Gouenji moved to take his bag, Fubuki didn't try to fight or stop him, quietly allowing him to bring it back inside the bus. They weren't letting him go so easily, no matter how much he failed or burdened them. Part of him was grateful for it.

"Well, it's getting late... what do you say we go to sleep and train together tomorrow, Fubuki? We'll do our best together!" Despite the tears still freely falling, there was a tiny, short-lived smile on Fubuki's face. At some point, Gouenji had left to drop his bag back in the bus, coming back with his sleeping bag and gesturing to the caravan's roof. Fubuki had quietly let them usher him to the roof with them, too drained to say or do anything other than try to wipe away those tears.

With a quiet goodnight, Gouenji and Endou snuggled in their own sleeping bags, Fubuki lying awake between them, blank stare lost in the dark sky. Some part of him was trying to tell him to try again, to grab his bag and run away, telling him it was useless to stay- _he_ was useless. He almost listened.

Endou's bright smile and kind words flashed through his mind, followed by Gouenji's support. Maybe it wasn't time for him to leave just yet. If not for himself, at least for his friends, for those who still tried to help him and get him back on his feet, staying by his side no matter how much trouble he could be.

Maybe it was still worth it to keep trying.


End file.
